Cis, He/Him, 1999, USA

You can call me Juan or W4AM. I made this site to sort of force myself to exist. I'd like to write on media and generally log any essays I feel worth posting here. Down the line, I'd even like to log future projects here, like creating a visual novel or a little game. The idea is that this place is just somewhere I can log my existence, in case I forget who, what I like, or what I've done so far.

For right now, each link just leads to other websites. Letterboxd for movies, Anilist for anime, etc. I haven't written much yet, but if you think you like my opinions, stick around will ya ;)? Down the line, I hope to also host copies of those reviews here on this site. Nothing in the blog yet, I'll let you know when that's up.

Overall, I appreciate you taking a look here! If you're remotely interested in talking to me please feel free, I'll try my best to respond.

Of course, huge shout out sadgrl.online for the layout make, it's a huge time saver.

Do you have an online persona that you believe in?

I don't think I do. I've always struggled with describing myself, or having some well-defined identity. I've lived a quiet life, I've always prefered to keep to myself- I don't instigate, I just react. Even online, I've never been one to leave comments, participate in forums, or add anything to a greater online discussion. I've always preferred small groups, and I've been lucky enough to be a part of smaller online communities throughout my teens. They were interesting, I got to interact with a variety of people, the time has long passed, but it was enjoyed.

I would've thought the advent of Discord would have made it easier to butt in and make myself at home online. Many Youtubers provide community Discords as a benefit for being a Patron, which is a wonderful idea. You'd be joining a community where you already have something in common with people. In a lot of these, though, I (and hundreds of others) never talk. The sheer amount of people, channels, conversations happening, it all makes it a bit hard to just jump right in and be known. Being known is the goal for me. For me to be known, I have to make myself known, time and time and time again, until people start associating my name and profile picture as being *someone*, and not just another paserby.

It's work, and I'm being a bit bratty here, I don't have the time or energy to want to commit to that. I'm sure age is a factor, but I don't want to clock in and clock out of a community for weeks on end, just to end up realizing that I'm not very interested in getting to know people there. I want to be known, but I also want to know the right kind of people. It's a bratty thing to type out, but I imagine this is true for most people isn't it? No one wants to talk to an annoying coworker, everyone has someone they do and don't get along with. I feel that getting to know people online just takes longer, it takes longer to figure out "can I get along with this person?".

All this to return to the idea that I don't have a sense of self that I subscribe to, no passion to speak of. My life, for the past 4 years or so, has been lived in a beer-fueld ennui. I've always been incredibly jealous, I've always admired people that are passionate about something. People that can definitely say "this is my *thing". People who write stories, create games, review and examine content, people that just TALK at length about the things that they enjoy- it's wonderful. I envy them. Sometimes it gets so bad that my head starts to hurt a bit and I feel my blood through my arms. I always wonder if it's easy for them. Work isn't easy, I'm sure, but when you're passionate enough about something, I imagine the work feels rewarding, worthwhile. I've never been able to say I have a passion, I think it's from lack of trying. I have tried, I have tried, but there's nothing that really lights me up. There are things I enjoy, but they feel like work with no ends, so it doesn't feel like passion.

I've put some thought to it, I think I've always been a bit of a little hater. While I cannot point toward a subject and say "this is my passion, this is who I want to be", I can definitely look at something and say "I don't want to be like this, I don't want to convey this kind of message". I'm not going to get into who or what I want to avoid being like, but I generally don't want to be hateful. I'm sure I'm coming off as bitter talking about being envious of passionate people but everyone's like that, right? We can't all be born creators, and there's a lot of unseen struggle I'm ignoring, I'm sure. I've been able to feel more comfortable in my own skin by, at the very least, defining myself by what I don't want to be like. Measuring around the empty bubble.

I've never cared about career or money. I don't care about big income, I care about giggling, having fun, and being comfortable. I think I want to create, I want to be an artist of some kind. I think if I focus less on the "means" of creating as a hobby, and focus on "creating", feeling passionate can come easier for me. No one knew me when I was 20, no one knew me when I was 21, no one knew mew when I was 22, I'm so tired of feeling like I don't exist. I think it's unfair that some people have an easier time finding positive outlets. I wish it was easy for me. I wish I never had days where I spend hours in bed, I wish I didn't have days where I want to be dead, still, after all these years. I'm tired of "healing", I'm tired of "learning to live with myself", I am tired of having to treat myself like a puzzlebox. Like "Oh, when I have days like these, I should try to think constructively", "when I feel frustrated, I should do this or that to cope". I just want to live, I want to exist, I want to be someone people can admire, I want people to be curious about getting to know me. I want to be funny, I want to be charming, I want to be interesting, I want to be someone who has a lot to say and offers a lot of insight. I am none of these things, so I am nobody worth knowing.

I'm working on some creative projects I hope I'll get to update this page with. I've still been playing games and reviewing them on Backloggd, I'm hoping I can get to reviewing movies soon. Stay tuned.

What Happened in the Past 41 Days

I did not provide any updates for November until the very last day, which I think gives you an exact impression of how I typically work and what's to come. In the time since 10/20/22 and 11/30/22 I did not commit any times to learning more HTML or CSS to improve the overall structure of this website, so for the foreseeable future I think you'll see a lot of these little detail and summary dropdowns. I like how they just save on clutter, I could end up with probably a dozen blog entries all neatly listed and dated just on the main page before I start considering moving these entries somewhere else.

I haven't really logged any new media that I've consumed either, so don't bother combing through those for anything new quite yet. It's not that I've been staring at the ceiling, I watched Cyberpunk Edgerunners and Russian Doll. I've been playing Splatoon 3, Dragon Ball: The Breakers, Project Zomboid and I played a few on off horror games like Aka Manto, Haisonmeguri, and Lost in Vevo. I even read a few books like Wage Labor and Capital, After by Bruce Greyson, and I'm Glad My Mom Died. No movies, sorry sorry...

Media consumed, but not logged. I think I just burn out simply at the idea of writing out more than two sentences for everything I've consumed so far. It's a kind of crossroad of "I should just force myself to do this so I can at least exercise my brain and form some of my own opinions" and "should I even bother". It's a good problem to have, it's like doing office work for myself. I do want to write, I like writing, it's just starting that's tough. I'll see about toughing out the dread this week and get some media logged, whether its new or old.

On Radio

I've been interested in the idea of radio lately. Back when I was 19 I worked a delivery job and would listen to the local public radio station a lot since my car didn't have bluetooth. It was the first time I really felt entertained or comforted by radio, I used to think nothing of it. Like yeah, radio, they play the same 20 songs every day and play shitty car comercials. But this was *public* radio, it had *NPR* segments and *Ecclectic music*. Since I would end up driving around for about 6 to 8 hours a day on most days, often at random hours, I became pretty familiar with the shows. I remember my favorite one was a jazz segment that would play late at night once a week, it would seriously make my day better. The selection of music and the host presenting them was totally charming.

After I got a cushy office job, I stopped listening to the local radio. I had other stuff I'd rather listen to, and the constant news started to wear on me. The news was good, but what I loved were the talk shows and the DJs with personalities that would introduce me to some new music. I loved the idea of radio a lot, tuning in and just listening to someone. Sometimes you miss a show, sometimes it's a bad segment that you can't skip, but it's always there waiting for you. I'd fantasize about being a radio personality- what would I talk about? What music would I play? What would be my bit?

I think for a lot of my life I've felt an absence of personality. I'm no robot, I know I have thoughts, emotions, and opinions. It's more of like, I don't know how to talk about myself, I don't have any hobbies that involve creation so I have nothing to show people. I'm just me, I like listening and learning, but I don't do much with that knowledge. Which is fine right? Not everyone can be a creator, it doesn't come as naturally to some people. I tihnk I find myself feeling sort of guilty in a way, like I'm lazy. Too lazy to draw again, too lazy to learn an instrument, too lazy to learn how to create something. Too lazy to work. It all feels like work, I don't want to do it. I like talking to people, I like listening to people talk about what they know, I like watching what people have made and thinking about why they made it, I like analyzing things. I love learning all the steps of creation, but I don't like creating. Or at least, it's not something I do enough to say I like it.

Which I think is why radio kinda fascinates me and why I've been fanticizing about it. It feels like creating, but you just have to talk. I can talk. I know there are many nuances to being a good host, and I don't honestly think I could host any kind of show, but there's a part of me that finds it wonderful and easy. The idea of being someone not seen, only heard. Talking and talking, not knowing for sure what kind of people are listening to you, what they think of you, whether you make their day better or worse when they catch your air time. It's existing without having to be seen that I think I would enjoy.